Who I am hates who I've been...then again, have I changed at all? (0)

(Alex said to mention her. Here it is: Alex Alex Alex Alex. Alex is awesome. Alex is my homie g.)
So...I've been thinking a lot lately about how I should just move on from the past. But I can't seem to do that. It's been nearly two years since some of my greatest regrets, yet the remorse hasn't gone away. I would just stop there, but I've done a lot of stupid things, so I'll explain. When I was 11 or 12, I met this one girl and talked to her for a little while (keep in mind, she was 3 years older than me), and just a few months later, I was stupid enough to think and say that I "loved" her. Not only that, but I then began to behave like a complete stalker. I didn't realize it at the time, but now I do, and I have for quite a while. I can't believe that I didn't notice just how uncomfortable I made her feel. We're still sort of friends, but we never talk to each other anymore- and, really, how could we? For some reason, she's still nice to me. Honestly, though, why? How come she doesn't hate me? ...okay, actually, I think she does, she's just too kind to say it. Who could blame her if she did, though? I was such a creeper! How did I not realize it? I thought that she was being unreasonable at the time. I was--and still am--an idiot. I really can't stand myself. But not just because of this. I've also had other cases of being creepy. So, in another situation, there were these girls, the same age as aforementioned girl, that I really wanted to be friends with. They seemed very nice, pretty, talented- that kind of thing. I meant no harm whatsoever. Someone who I was friends with before this tipped me off that they didn't like me, and that I creeped them out. I thought that she was just trying to hurt my feelings, so I ignored this. She did this several times after when I didn't stop. I was too stupid to realize this. And then one night, after a group of people and I (including these girls) went ice skating together, I posted a journal entry on deviantART, and included something that had happened before, which I had intended to be funny and not serious at all- damn, how stupid that was. One of the girls messaged me and told me to stay away from them, and that I had caused them trouble, and even one of them with their boyfriend. Of course I had no intention of doing this, but that doesn't convince me that I was right. I just keep repeating the same mistakes over and over. I hate being who I am. I saw those three girls at the mall the other day. Of course I didn't dare acknowledge that I had seen them or draw attention to myself. I felt horrible.
I hated seeing them. I don't go a day without thinking about what I did to them or the other girl whom I "loved" (I was 12 and stupid, not in love). I almost cried when I saw them. I'm always so jealous of them-how respected they are, how easily they can interact with people, their porcelain doll faces, their overall flawless appearance, their intelligence (I think they're all IB students)-for everything. I can't hate them because I was the one who was wrong. Not them. I was a moron. But I haven't changed at all. What if I do that again? What if I do the same thing to the girl I have feelings for that I did to the girl back in sixth grade? How can I stop myself from being creepy without excluding myself from the most of the world like I've been attempting (it seemed like the only option)?
And now there's another thing about me- I think I like...a guy. Just a tiny bit. But one thing is that, of all people, why him? I've only known him for two weeks, and he's...uh,not exactly a good influence. Let's just say...he knows a guy. Like my friend pointed out, the guy my sister has run off with once again (she was in the hospital, but they let her out and she lied and said she had a home) also smokes weed. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but...is this just another sign that I'm more like my sister than I had hoped to be? I love my sister to death, but I don't want to end up like her and end up in a web of things I can't fix- I am in a web of things I can't fix, but not to the extent that she is.
I'm desperately trying to figure out who I am, or who I'm becoming. I want to know how I can fix the mistakes I've made, or maybe be forgiven by these people if I'm fortunate enough, though I don't deserve it at all (runon sentences for the win.) Can I change, or is it too late? Am I screwed up beyond repair? Some people have said that I'm just worrying too much, but I have every reason to worry about myself. I'm nowhere near well. I might feel better if I apologize to everyone, but that won't prevent me from doing stupid things and acting in a stalkerlike way again and again. I'll never learn, will I?
Add Comment?
Thank you to Doux Riens , Anikaos , and Neskaya for the emoticons!

I have a question, what is love? (0)

So, today, I said goodbye to one of the most amazing women I've ever had the privilege of knowing. It was a painful experience for me, but now I'm coming to terms with the fact that I won't be seeing her again in this life. Luckily, I'm still hanging onto that one thread of hope that there is in fact a Heaven, and this is helping me cope with the loss of her.
My choir sang two pieces during the service- one at the beginning, and one at the end. At the beginning, we sang "The Lake Isle of Innisfree" (here's a recording of another choir singing it). This song, no matter where we sing it, always does things emotionally that words can't explain. We all have a connection through music that we can't put into words, just like our director said to us before. We all held up well until our friend came up to give a speech about her mother. I don't know how she was so brave. Of course she was choking back tears, and so were we. When we sang at the end ("Fairest Lady"...I don't feel like linking it), nearly everyone was crying too hard to sing. Every other note came out as a squeak. We made it through, though.
I'm slowly accepting that, although she left us far too soon and for reasons still unknown, we were so lucky to know her. She made such an impact on people that all of her clients (she was a veterinarian specializing in birds) who were close enough to make it went there to pay their respects. She was the kind of woman who, whether or not she said anything, she made her presence known whenever she entered a room. Her witty sense of humor was unparalleled and unforgettable. If it weren't for her motivation to my director in the choir's first year of existence, the choir might have not existed today. "Z", as many people called her, was such a great woman. She really was like another mom to me, and to so many other girls who knew her for much longer than I did. All of the choir moms have a place in my heart close to that of my real mother.
I'm going to miss her terribly, but I'm going to be okay. I know this because life goes on, and all of us who are missing her can stick together to get through this. Each and every one of us treat each other as what we (not technically, but at heart) really are: family. Through the good and bad times, we get through with the support we have from each other. I can count on them to be someone to get advice from, be a shoulder to cry on, and just do something as simple as make me smile. I know I sound so sappy and cheesy right now, but I really do love all of those girls like sisters (although, I love one of them like a sister and romantically at the same time...does that sound incestuous?). I could go on forever about how much they mean to me. Music gives us a bond like no other. I know what you're thinking: "BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHCHOIRCHOIRCHOIRSHUTUPHAYLEE". If you don't want to read about this, just skip further.
Today, I remembered once again just how much that one girl means to me. I know I mention this WAY too much, but it's true. I can't help but smile when I see her, because I'm so lucky. I often forget how fortunate I am to know a girl that's so sweet, hilarious, unique, and beautiful. Although she doesn't feel the way I do, I know that she loves me- just not in that way. Like I rambled on about in the above paragraph, we have a sisterly bond. She's there for me for anything. I often talk to her about my sister, my depression, frustration with life, pretty much everything. She always listens. I'm so happy knowing that she cares about me and accepts me despite the way she often catches me looking at her. I know she always catches me doing that. She's such an awesome person. I can't compare her to anyone; no one else is similar to her. No one else could make me laugh so hard with just a glance, a tone of speaking voice, or anything like that. I doubt that no one else has ever dressed up as Mozart for superhero day at school. I could list pages and pages worth entirely of things she says and does that make me smile. She makes me happy on my worst days. When my depression became severe in Louisiana, she always did something to brighten my day. During rehearsal, if I'm on the verge of tears for whatever reason, something as simple as her saying "Your mom is [insert something I previously said here]!", yelling "COMMUNISM!" at very inappropriate times- you get the idea- makes me feel so much better. At first, I thought that she was just a friend that I looked up to and admired, but I first realized on tour in 2009 that she was so much more than that. I know she'd probably flip out if she saw this, but I seriously doubt she ever visits this (if she does, I am SCREWED.) But...since she most likely doesn’t read my blog, I’m going to continue to ramble about her in this entry for a little while. I wish she knew just how important she is to me...yet it’d be weird if she knew. I know I’m usually dead set against teenagers saying that they love someone, but I think I’m going to have to break my own rule...I love her. Honestly, I do. I know I’m so young, and most likely too young to be in love with anyone, but the way I feel about her says otherwise. I love her. I love her so much I can’t put it into words. Is it wrong to be saying that on here; or anywhere for that matter? I know she doesn’t feel that way, so if I said it to her, she’d be very uncomfortable. But yet she doesn’t read this, as far as I know. I’ve been listening to songs by Nevershoutnever! for quite a while, because many of them make me think of her. So this ends my you-know-who rambling!
OH! I forgot to write my entry about school! It’s only been a week, and a hard one, but I love my new school so far. The attitudes in the students there are so different from those of the kids at my old school. The people there seem really nice so far. My dad is weird to have as a teacher, but his band is AWESOME. I’ll admit, I find the string bass player just a little bit attractive. It’s weird, because...they’re MALE. It’s really weird. I don’t have a crush on him or anything, and he certainly has not replaced you-know –who. I guess it’s that 0.000001% of attraction to guys coming out of me. Although he’s a bit attractive to me, his personality is a bit of a turnoff. He can be loud and obnoxious—oh, wait, that’s not a turnoff for me-- he occasionally makes comments such as “Stupid Mexicans”, and...well... he (supposedly) smokes weed. So obviously, it’s not going to develop into anything. One weird thing is that I know more about his life than I’m supposed to. My dad told me why he often acts out. His parents aren’t around a lot, because of a tragedy that I probably shouldn’t mention...well, I shouldn’t be mentioning him, anyways, but that hasn’t stopped me, has it?
So, I guess this ends my ridiculously long entry. I think I’m going to go listen to Utada Hikaru songs and call one of my friends. I’ll write tomorrow if I have anything good to say!

Add Comment?
Thank you to Doux Riens , Anikaos , and Neskaya for the emoticons!

Sick. (0)

The only word that can even come close to how I am right now. The reality of the death of my friend's mother is beginning to sink in, and I can't help but think of all of the things that have happened lately. The thought of my friend- doing what she did-still haunts my mind, and I think of her at the mere sight of a rope. I'm having nightmares about my rabbit having seizures. Also on my mind is horrible guilt about stupid things I've done in the past few years- stupid comments toward a certain girl whom I already creeped out, the stalkerlike behavior I expressed towards a friend of mine I had a crush on (and other friends that I was just plain creepy towards), saying extremely stupid things, putting a burden on people with my depression, calling people at very late times to say something stupid, saying things that came across as arrogant or mean, being rude to people who didn't deserve it...everything. I honestly can't stand myself anymore. I look back on everything and wonder...how on Earth was I so oblivious to the way I treat people? How did I not notice how uncomfortable I made people feel? How did I not see the way I hurt people? What's wrong with me? I think of myself and wonder what went wrong. I'm sick of myself. I hate the person that I used to be...and even more so, I hate who I've become. I understand now why people hate me- I always have, but I really see it now. I thought that maybe I could fix myself by going to a new school. I can't. I can't run away from myself. I can't escape my impulsive actions and words. I can't erase the distress I've caused and will cause for so many people. I hate myself. I honestly do. If I could be someone else- like the characters I invented write about, who are solely what I wish to be-I would in a heartbeat. I'm sick. Mentally and physically. Who am I? I miss the girl that I was long ago. I wish I could return to being the caring, innocent girl I was so long ago. What have I become? I'm slowly becoming more childish, stupid, ignorant, EXTREMELY impulsive, gullible, just plain disgusting- you name it. I wish I had it easy, like some people do- you know, the ones who have faith to cling to. I once had that, but I have no reassurance whatsoever. I can't force myself to believe in something so far-fetched.
God...I've really let myself go. I have no motivation for anything. Nothing seems worth the effort anymore. My room is a disaster. I haven't showered in days- I can't even remember when the last time was, in fact. The only things in life that seem even somewhat worthwhile anymore are things done for other people, and even then, I screw up and ruin something. I can't get anything right. All I see in the future, near and far, is bleakness. What could happen next? Seeing by the way life is going currently, things are going to be thrown at me, and I'm going to have to suck it up and keep going. It's what people need and expect me to do. There are people suffering so much more than I am...my friend whose mother has passed away, my parents, the rest of my family, my sister with her severe bipolar disorder, my friend who's only eleven and has to cope with her parents' divorce (which happened because of her father cheating), my friend (well, acquaintance?) whose family is torn apart from something tragic I'm not technically supposed to know about (thank you Dad), so many of my friends...but, above all, my mother. My mother, for the longest time, has endlessly been going through Hell. Her father dying from lymphoma/leukemia, losing her mother to Alzheimer's, her daughter leaving her to live on the streets with a dangerous violent criminal, getting a divorce, depression and anxiety thanks to the lovely genetics of our family, trying to help me through my similar distress, never being appreciated--and so many things I probably don't even know. I feel like a bad person for, even for a second, thinking that I'm suffering more than anyone else. My guilt is worse than ever. I feel guilty for EVERYTHING. I don't eat meat anymore, because I can't handle the thought of a chicken dying so I can eat. I think of anything dumb or bad that I've done, and I'm completely overcome with regret.
Although I feel very guilty for dumping my problems on people, I need to find time to, like my director once told my friend, let myself not be okay. I know I'm going to feel bad about it, but I'm going to have to help myself somehow. I can't go on like this. Life is short. I need to fix what I've wrecked in my life (and other people's lives), while I still can. I'm going to apologize to the girl whom I, to put it simply, stalked when I was 12. I'm going to tell another girl that I never meant cause her any trouble, and that all I wanted was to be her friend (I have no social skills, and this gets me into some bad situations quite often). I'm going to be a better friend to everyone who I haven't been good enough to. Or at least I'll try, or maybe back down. I may even make things worse. I think I should try, though. I've wasted so much time being the way I am. I need to fix my life...and myself. I need to be better to people. I can't continue to cause people so much trouble. Oh, and another thing: I need to stop being vulnerable. I'm the most gullible person ever. I once believed that my friend kissed Veronica Varlow, was schizophrenic, and a bunch of other total BS. I'm very easily fooled and manipulated, and people quite enjoy doing so, as I have noticed lately. I don't know how I'm going to do all of this, but I'm going to try or fail miserably knowing that I at least made an effort. I seriously need to start as soon as possible, because I've hit rock bottom.
I think this is the end of my venting...so far.
I need to get some sleep, I have to sing at the service.
Add Comment?
Thank you to Doux Riens , Anikaos , and Neskaya for the emoticons!

Why must such wonderful people be taken away so soon? (0)

(Whoa, a relevant title!) A few days ago, I received news that was terrible and unexpected. My friend's mother passed away last Sunday. It hasn't completely sunk in yet, but I burst into tears when my mother told me- something that usually doesn't happen until a funeral. I knew her longer than I have known my friend whose mother she was. She was one of the moms who would volunteer during choir rehearsal. She would drive me to and from choir occasionally. She was such a kind woman, and had a great sense of humor. She was hilarious. Almost every week up until recently, she would come to rehearsal with her two tiny dogs, Swiffer and Miss Demeanor ("Missy" for short). She was like another mom to me. I still can't believe that she's gone. Tomorrow, the choir is going to sing at her memorial service. I don't know if I'm going to make it through without crying. Like I said, it's most likely going to hit me tomorrow. I'm glad to have known such an amazing person, although it was for a very short time.
I can't possibly imagine what her family must be going through. I know her daughter from choir, and I know her son from my old school. Both of them were extremely close to her. Losing a parent, especially at such a young age, is something that's unfathomable to me. I want to do whatever I can to help them. I know they've been in school for the past week- how they were able to get through it, I can't begin to understand. I have friends at both of their schools, so I'm going to ask them to keep an eye out for them for me.
I don't want to keep writing about this...I'll write a new entry about the good things going on soon. (I feel that this should be its own.)




Add Comment?
Thank you to Doux Riens , Anikaos , and Neskaya for the emoticons!

The number of this entry is the answer to life, the universe, and everything. (0)

So, tomorrow, I start my new school. I'm a little bit nervous about how it will go, but I'm confident that It will be a good year. Last year was a year when I learned a lot about myself, and learned from making quite a few mistakes.
I just dyed my hair auburn. I love the colour now. It's fairly close to the colour it was back when I was in preschool, before the red in my hair faded to brown.
So, tomorrow morning, I'm going to get up out of bed and be confident about myself...well, at least that's what I'm telling myself that I'll do. On the first and last day of school, I play a song that will motivate me right before I leave the house. I've decided that, this year, it'll be "I'm Gonna Be" by the Proclaimers (which is currently the song that plays when you first visit this website.) I've known the song pretty much as long as I can remember- my sister used to watch Benny & Joon (a very cute movie that I'd recommend to anyone) like nobody's business. I hope it puts me in a good mood.
I can't believe I'm actually excited for school...I guess it's the fact that I'm starting over at a new school, and that my dad will be there. I'm happy knowing the fact that, if anyone picks on my about "you-know-what", I can always talk to the guidance counselor. He'll understand- he's openly gay (I've been to a party at his house and met his partner/boyfriend/whateveryoucallit). Not to mention that he's just plain awesome and nice. It's good that I already know 3 people there that I can hang out with. I've already met my teachers, and my history teacher is one of the coolest people ever. I'm so excited.
Eeeeep. Oh, and sorry for such an abrupt layout change! I really wasn't liking the Chibi one. I love this one- it took me at least 3 hours to finish. Notice that, among all of the Evanescence lyrics, it says "I love Alex". I put that there because my friend asked me to. She's awesome, so I did.
Add Comment?
Thank you to Doux Riens , Anikaos , and Neskaya for the emoticons!

Content Management Powered by CuteNews